{"id":23090,"date":"2019-11-18T09:29:40","date_gmt":"2019-11-18T17:29:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/?p=23090"},"modified":"2020-08-22T12:49:35","modified_gmt":"2020-08-22T19:49:35","slug":"oktoberfest-the-school-of-hard-knackwurst","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/2019\/11\/18\/oktoberfest-the-school-of-hard-knackwurst\/","title":{"rendered":"Oktoberfest: The School of Hard Knackwurst"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

In the pantheon of things that people\nonce celebrated about professional boxer Mike Tyson, his gift for\noratory was seldom among them. During his prime, most of his\nstatements to the media revolved around predictable promises of\nsavagery in a forthcoming bout or the intent to consume an opponent\u2019s\nchildren. These were memorable utterances in their own way, but a\nhair shy of profound. However, he also introduced the world to one of\nmy favorite declarations: “Everybody has a plan till they get\npunched in the mouth.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The thesis here is straightforward.\nEven the most fully conceptualized fight strategy has the potential\nto implode when a rogue jab injects some cold reality into it. Still,\nI believe there\u2019s a deeper wisdom to extract from it. It speaks to\nthe folly of expecting the world to bend to your agenda. It proposes\nthat grace during trying moments can be as valuable as the plan to\nnavigate them. It also reminds that you should avoid being punched in\nthe mouth, which is unquestionably solid advice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two months ago, I wrote an article about \u201ctraining\u201d for Oktoberfest in Munich by proxy of familiarizing myself with Burning Beard Brewing\u2019s take on Old World beers<\/a>. I was being cheeky, sure, but on some level I truly believed that recalibrating my palate was all the preparation I needed to most fully enjoy the festival. It wasn\u2019t until my wife needed to forcibly steer me by the lederhosen away from the tents to the hotel for a 5 p.m. bedtime that I discovered Oktoberfest punched me in the mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It was then that I realized that you,\ngentle readership, deserved more than my half-baked theories on\npreparing for Oktoberfest. Here are the many lessons I gleaned from\nmy experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lesson #1 – Oktoberfest is a\nGauntlet<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am veteran drinker. That\u2019s not a\nbrag on my liver\u2019s durability so much as to say I can typically \nthread the needle of maintaining an enjoyable buzz without getting\nparticularly sloppy. Suffice to say, Oktoberfest ruined that streak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are a good many variables I\nmanage in the course of a session (pacing, hydration, intended exit\ntime, calorie intake, et cetera) that inform decisions throughout. I\ndidn\u2019t appreciate that Oktoberfest would be just unfamiliar enough\nto throw a series of tiny monkey wrenches into that elaborate\nmachinery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first clogged cog I experienced was the pressure of acquiring space in a festival tent. Unless you\u2019re traveling with a group large enough to justify the considerable coin to reserve a table, clusters of seats can be tricky to come by. An easy solution to that is to hit the grounds early and secure a spot. It\u2019s so logical and simple that you might not even balk at arriving when the gates open at 10 a.m. and grabbing your first stein shortly thereafter. That\u2019s by no means too early for a beer in my book, but it\u2019s the sort of game plan that easily sets a course towards oblivion if one isn\u2019t mindful of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Once seated, the festival tents have you live life by the liter, an unfamiliar volume for metric-phobic sorts like Americans. Granted, the conversion math of roughly two pints per stein isn\u2019t that confounding, but festbiers drink so light and refreshing that it\u2019s trivial to fly through them quickly and lose count in the process. The encounter also serves up innumerable opportunities to toast your compatriots or participate in drinking songs, causing stein contents to inevitably dwindle. Compound all that with the expectation that an empty glass signals your seat will be rendered the same shortly thereafter and there\u2019s always an external pressure to grab just one more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I ordinarily consume water in equal measure to my beer intake. It\u2019s a drag, sure, but it\u2019s a simple compensation to prevent a crusty morning-after and slow the onboarding of additional alcohol. Oktoberfest doesn\u2019t make this easy. Water is never free and tends to arrive in much smaller volumes relative to the beer. Even if you have the wherewithal to order it, you\u2019ll have to endure the incredulous looks from your server who will inevitably hydration-shame you with something akin to \u201cBut that\u2019s what the beer is for!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Long story short, eat early, get loads\nof water for the table, checkpoint with friends often, and don\u2019t\nlet the sometimes dizzying celebration break your marathon pace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lesson #2 – Lederhosen Want You To\nPee Your Pants<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unless you are a resident of Bavaria,\nodds are you wear lederhosen as often as, well, any other leather\nbreeches. The first time you don them, their historical roots as a\ndurable outerwear for physical labor become very apparent — they are\npretty darn stiff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if you take the time to hike around and season your new breeches a bit before Oktoberfest (and \u201cseason\u201d is definitely the right word here, given how poorly leather breathes), you probably won\u2019t put much thought into exercising its most important feature: the drop-front flap. The quasi-codpiece is far more convenient than entirely disrobing to use restroom facilities, but it doesn\u2019t quite rate as user-friendly. When multiple liters of festbier are signaling their desire for a hasty egress, those five buttons are no more yielding than the rest of the lederhosen. Pair that with the reduced dexterity that accompanies said beverage and you have the perfect storm for a Category 5 Oopsie. I strongly suggest you practice beforehand and loosen those notches up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Lesson #3 – The Customer Isn\u2019t\nAlways Right<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If there\u2019s one word to describe my experience with German hospitality workers, it would be \u201cbrisk.\u201d That\u2019s even a little charitable, at least against an American service industry context where smiles, check-ins, and accommodations abound. I\u2019ll go ahead and tell you now, no, you can\u2019t get a side salad with that instead, Karen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fairness, there is little time for niceties when you\u2019re keeping the engine of Oktoberfest running. Appetites for beer and food are voracious in the Weisn tents and there\u2019s no shortage of hustle needed. However, that tends to manifest in an attitude that consumers are beholden to the server’s pace. Failing to have your order ready on their timetable is bound to elicit some very withering looks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This sentiment wasn\u2019t entirely confined to the festival grounds either. One of my favorite moments from the trip was when my request for a rauchbier at a local restaurant was met with a moment of consideration, followed by a resounding \u201cNo.\u201d I paused, assuming some justification would follow, but her stoic look was unwavering. Perhaps sensing my confusion, she followed with \u201cIt\u2019s too smoky. Here, you have this one\u201d while gesturing to the Augustiner helles. Now I knew full well what I was ordering, but I was so jarred by the forcefulness of her decision that I couldn\u2019t muster the will to disagree. I submissively sipped on my pale lager, hopeful that she\u2019d notice what a good, compliant customer I was and reconsider indulging me on the next round. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

All of this is to say that there\u2019s\nsome truth to the cultural trope of a German embrace of efficiency,\nbut that\u2019s not necessarily a bad thing. They appreciate it and, in\nturn, strive to deliver it. In the chaos of Oktoberfest you\u2019ll\nwelcome that effort. I realized in hindsight that Proscriptive\nWaitress was most likely preventing a common beer-rookie pitfall and\nwas kind enough to do it in a non-native tongue, even if it landed\npoorly. And yes, I did get the rauchbier for the next round with no\nhassle. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On a related note, these folks\nabsolutely deserve your gratuities and, unlike what you\u2019ve probably\nheard, tipping is very much a thing in Germany. Further, like\neverything else in their dining experience, there are unspoken rules\nto abide by. When presented with a bill, the expectation is that\nyou\u2019ll hand them cash and declare how much change you desire back\nafter<\/em> you\u2019ve accounted for tip. A typical tip is about 10%\nof the tab. Failure to do so up front can signal your lack of intent\nto tip, which means they almost certainly are not going to allow you\nto have the beer you want next time, even if you are as well-behaved\nas I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lesson #4 – Everybody Poops, But Not\nIn Germany<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Traditional Bavarian food has always\nlooked amazing to me. I was consumed with the idea of having crispy\npork knuckle and snowball-sized dumplings swimming in dunkel gravy.\nThe fact that it did not disappoint in the slightest when I finally\ngot it was even more amazing. Next to all that savory majesty, the\nneighboring grayish heap of sauerkraut they served with it looked\nlike a sad afterthought. I promise you, it is anything but.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First off, it was legitimately tasty. Its notable lactic bite really cut through the rich fattiness of, well, everything else, and served as a robust palate cleanser. However, there is a more important reason to indulge. Vegetables make precious few appearances in the cuisine around Oktoberfest. Sauerkraut represents your most reliable source of dietary fiber. The fact that it is also supercharged dose of probiotics means that it is one-stop-shopping for your gut-health needs. If you are not a fan of the stuff, I seriously recommend cultivating a taste for it before you arrive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Despite the minor snags in my\nexperience, I wouldn\u2019t have traded it for the world. I got a chance\nto see Bavaria at peak Bavarian-ness. I drank enough lager to\nofficially graduate from a Crispy Boi to a Crispy Man. In the end I\ntook a few cultural sucker punches and still managed to move forward.\nI\u2019d like to think Mike Tyson would be proud of that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the pantheon of things that people once celebrated about professional boxer Mike Tyson, his gift for oratory was seldom among them. During his prime, most of his statements to the media revolved around predictable promises of savagery in a forthcoming bout or the intent to consume an opponent\u2019s children. These were memorable utterances in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":23091,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-23090","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-san-diego-beer-beverage-news","8":"entry"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/20190925_112228-e1574098054685.jpg?fit=1024%2C637&ssl=1","wps_subtitle":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pdtr4y-60q","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23090","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/16"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23090"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23090\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/23091"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23090"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23090"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/archives.csusm.edu\/westcoastersd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23090"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}